widenessofthesea | monster bingo 2020;

[ she manages to wrench her gaze off of her boots; for a second her grip loosens, and then she readjusts, more firmly. ]

Thanks, for—understanding. All of it.

Of course. You've done the same for me, so it's the least I can do.

...mm, well. I still—wanted to say it.

[ she leans just... gradually closer, so that her arm is touching theirs very lightly. ]

I—wanted to be able to do this. I don’t think I can for everyone, but just for—some people. At least.

[ they stay still, but relaxed. ]

It's really nice, isn't it?

...yeah.

[ oh. she can get misty-eyed, right now. that’s novel.

by the time five minutes are up, she’s leaning more heavily against their shoulder. ]

I’m not sure if I’ve done this in... a hundred years, maybe.

It was that long ago, was it? I couldn't imagine going without for so long.

Maybe it was just... more tolerable for a long time, that way.

Why won't my heart stop beating this fucking fast.

Oh, oh! That's the feeling you get when you're wondering why the bad thing didn't happen yet!

[ there's a pause before she snorts, quietly. ]

...I see.

I don't even know what bad thing I'm even expecting to have happen, anymore.

The same thing you were expecting the first time it happened. It's a difficult thing, to leave behind the moment you were first collared.

I—

[ she hates it she hates it she hates it she hates it ]

...can never... quite... get rid of him, it seems.

You will.

[ she stiffens, for a second, and then pitches forward slightly with a short bark of a laugh that sounds a little like a sob. ]

Someday—maybe. I—ahaha, live... in hope.

Is it—all right if I. Do this again, sometime.

[ they clasp a hand gently over hers, humming softly. ]

Of course. Whatever you need, Hope.

[ her breath hitches, and for a moment she makes an incredibly pained expression, mouth twisting almost as if to snarl—

and then she takes a deep breath in, and lets it out. she just sits there for a bit, eyes closed, breathing. ]

...thank you.

God, I wish I could—just...

Just...?

[ she turns to look at them, a studying look on her face, and her head jerks forward fractionally—

—and then she just stops, frozen in place, breathing like she’s just run five miles. ]

[ oh, they know that reaction.

they run a thumb over the back of her hand, leaning forward a little with a gentle hum. ]

If it's too much, you shouldn't push yourself. Take it slow.

You're... probably right.

[ she sags slightly, trying to slow her breathing. ]

God, what am I even doing.

Trying to take control.

...mm. Probably... right.

[ it's said slightly reluctantly, like she'd prefer not to admit that. (she'd prefer not to admit that.)

she takes a deep breath and then lets it out, bottom lip sticking out in a slightly petulant way. ]

I don't think I ever... really learned to sort out my feelings in this area properly.

If I'm being honest, I don't think there is a proper way. Maybe it's because I'm not a person, and maybe someone who is would know better, but what seems to be most important to me is that you do what you need to in order to build yourself back up again.

I'm not really... a person, either, anyway.

It just feels—ridiculous to be hobbled by something like this. Though that's... probably why I never addressed it, which in retrospect was a bit of a stupid move.

Do you want a hug, Hope?

[ god. does she? she has to think about that one for like a solid minute

and more importantly: is she going to wig the fuck out? ]

I.

I... would like... a hug. I think.

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